Update

I have been very bad about writing updates. Briefly, Kannon turned 2 at the beginning of the month. He is more and more fun each day. He is speaking in 5-6 word sentences, soaks info up like a sponge and has grown quite a bit. At his appointment on 12-9, he was 27.5 lbs and 35 3/4 inches. His head circumference growth has tapered off, which is a huge relief. All in all, he is doing extremely well!

I, on the other hand, had to have a second surgery on my back on 11-19 and am still recovering, but doing quite well. I was prepared for a horrible recovery ala the first surgery, but this has been much easier.

It dawned on me today that my sister, who will be with me at Christmas is just about as pregnant as I was in Christmas of 2007 when I lost Dash. I love her so much and she always honors Dashiell with some kind of donation in his name at Christmas, but I am honestly dreading the moment that I see her belly.

I realize that this is highly irrational. I have beautiful little guy who I love more than I ever dreamed possible, but I still miss Dash. I will always wonder what my life would have been like had things not gone so wrong. This is the first Christmas we will be with family since that awful Christmas. It is definitely bittersweet. I love seeing Kannon light up when he sees a tree or Santa. The memories and grief just seem to hit at the strangest times and the emotion is just heightened by the holiday.

What is a "Cooqua"?

This is just one of those funny things I have to document so that I won't forget it. Kannon always points to the 2 corners in our bathtub and says "Cooqua" (pronounced Koo-Kwa). It drives Glenn crazy! Glenn has the "cooqua" idea that they are portals to the spirit world. While I do believe there are spirits around us, that seems like quite a stretch. Glenn was completely freaked out the other day when Kannon pointed to it and said "Cooqua, daddy you fall". It makes me laugh and I think the word is cute!

One more funny story from today: We are traveling upstate tomorrow and I've been burning the Wonder Pets to DVD so that we'll have some entertainment for the train. This morning, I was standing in front of the TV holding the remote. Kannon sneaked up beside me, but I didn't see him. When I went to lift the remote, it hit him in the head. I said, "I'm sorry, pumpkin" to which he replied, "NAUGHTY!" I explained that it was an accident and that naughty is when you do something you're not supposed to do on purpose. On the bright side. I guess he knows what naughty is! (I wonder how he ever learned that...)

Trip to the Dentist

Today was Kannon's first trip to the dentist. I was dreading this and so was Glenn. Kannon has always been terrified of doctors and it only got worse after he had his stitches back in January.

I'd been noticing some brown stains on his front two teeth and I was nervous that he may be getting a cavity. I figured that we'd better bite the bullet and go. Luckily we found a kind, gentle and extremely calm pediatric dentist who was wonderful. Kannon was fine until he had to be examined. He screamed during the exam, which I fully expected, but he stopped as soon as the exam was over.

The stains appear to be just stains. Since they are only cosmetic and can be removed later, he just brushed K's teeth and applied the fluoride. We were told to switch over to a nylon brush and to use just a tiny dab of fluoridated toothpaste 2x/day. We don't have to go back for another year!

I was so concerned that he would have a hard time, that I didn't even think to take any pictures. I did laugh when I saw that the goody bag contained floss. We can barely brush his teeth, so no flossing for now.

I have to admit that the whole experience reminded my that my beautiful baby boy is growing up. He's a little boy now, but he'll always be my baby.

Kannon's latest

Disclaimer: I am about to brag here. About 2 weeks ago, Kannon has started counting to 10 and can identify & name numbers 1-10 and 12! I can also identify and name all of the letters of the alphabet (except m and n). He loves to shout out numbers and letters when he sees them in the aisles of stores, on the street, on the subway. (and I do mean shout) He is so proud of himself when he does. Not too bad for a 19 1/2 month old!

Yesterday, he was playing with his squirt toy walrus in the bathtub and actually said walrus, well more like wallwuss, but you get the idea. It's difficult to remember that we have to be extremely careful about what we say in front of him because he is a parrot.

Now, if we could only get him to eat real vegetables instead of purees only...

Dash

I guess I'm in one of those down phases at the moment. I'm so thankful to have Kannon. He brings me more joy than I ever could have imagined. Over the past few days, I've been feeling Dash's loss more than I usually do.

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Dash, but normally, the sadness does not overtake me. I've just been missing him terribly.

This past week, friend of a friend lost her only child 1 day after her first birthday. Seeing that beautiful baby's final photo brought me back to that awful day. I would never equate my loss to hers. That child struggled with a rare brain cancer from her second week of life. I can only imagine how much more difficult that is, but I certainly know what it is to lose a child.

When I was in Florida in March, my sister told me that she didn't feel that I had grieved properly. Although I realize that her concern comes from a place of love, it made me incredibly angry. As any angel mom will tell you, you just can't understand unless you've been through it yourself. It is a pain that I would never wish on anyone. Glenn also commented on how seeing the photo I mentioned earlier was painful for him.

I had a very vivid dream last night and my mother and I had a long talk. In the dream, she had drawn a rainbow perfectly on a piece of paper. She was legally blind, so I was amazed that she had been able to execute the drawing so meticulously. I have no doubt that it was her way of comforting me and letting me know that Dashiell is with her and he is ok.

The photo above was taken by a woman in Australia who also lost her son. She takes name requests and photographs their names in the sand for bereaved parents. ( towritetheirnamesinthesand.blogspot.com )It took me a very long time to get my request through, but I finally did this past March. I used to call Dashiell "my light". I feel as though he was right there, shining in the sky right above his name.

I love you, my light.

Update - Finally!

I keep telling myself to sit down and write an update, but working full time and having a very active 18 month old is about all I've been able to handle recently! Kannon turned 18 months at the beginning of this month - 18 months! Time flies and stands still at the same time. To think that three years ago today I had no intention of ever becoming pregnant and since then have had two baby boys mystifies me.

This has always been a sad time of year for me. 11 years ago tomorrow, my mother lost her brave battle with colon cancer. 11 years ago Friday, on what would have been her 58th birthday, we buried her. I miss her so much. She was the ultimate mother and would have most definitely been the ultimate grandmother. It does give me some comfort knowing that her soul and Dash's soul are together somewhere. I feel them looking out for me and I know in my heart that she is taking care of him.

It seems as though Kannon does something funny, says something new, figures something out every day lately. Here are just a few of the many things I want to remember:

FEBRUARY 2010: While friends were over (yes, I had witnesses to this) and I was changing his diaper. He reached down, grabbed himself and said "penis" clear as day!

MARCH 2010: We took a trip to Florida. Kannon had his first trip to Disney World and loved "Its a Small World". He also rode the Dumbo ride and saw the parade. We spent some time in Orlando with my sister, Kelly and my niece and nephew Brady. Kelly and I made the mistake of buying the same blanket for Brady & Kannon. Of course, they were 6 months or so at the time. At times, they had all out wars fighting over their blue blankets! Kannon also liked to go up to Brady and take his pacifier right out of his mouth and promptly put it into his. When we were not in Orlando, we stayed at the Daytona condo with my dad & Barb. Kannon LOVED the ocean. I swear, the child has no fear. He would chase the waves back into the ocean. Although I loved my time there with him, I think I did get a few new gray hairs from the experience. We also got to see my sisters Ashley & Jennifer, my brother-in-laws and my beautiful niece Caroline. Kannon was great on the plane, but we both became extremely ill the day that we got home. (thank you, norovirus). I won't soon forget how awful it was to try to take care of a vomiting, feverish 15 month old by myself while I was vomiting and feverish right along with him.

APRIL 2010: Glenn returned home on the last day of March, so we'll call it April. He couldn't believe how big Kannon was. It took a bit for Kannon to warm up, but they enjoyed going to the park (sometimes multiple parks) each day.

MAY 2010: On May 22, Glenn's opening night, I left Kannon with a sitter at night for the first time ever. The only other day I have not been there to put Kannon to bed was the day I had to stay overnight in the hospital after my surgery in Feb '09. It was nervewracking, but we love our sitter so much (and so does Kannon) that it made the evening a little easier. He did really well with her.

JUNE 2010: Kannon turned 18 months! He just had his check up and is between the 15-20% for weight (24.9 lb) and in the 75% for height (33") - a little string bean, just like his dad, of course. His head is still extremely large and we have to go back to the doctor in 2 months for another check. Hopefully, the head growth will taper off. He's doing great developmentally and has such a sense of humor. Although he still looks nothing like me, he definitely has some of my mannerisms.This month, he also figured out how to get over the bed, so we had to take down the gate we rigged. Within 2 minutes of taking the gate down, he scaled a bookcase and got up onto the windowsill and "hailed" a taxi!

We also tried fingerpainting for the first time on Sunday. I made the paints out of flour, water & food coloring and it was quite the experience. He talked the entire time and I laughed the entire time. We were trying to make fathers day gifts. I'm so thankful Taifa was with me. It was definitely a two person job, but it was also so nice to share the experience with another adult who could appreciate how my kitchen, Kannon and I looked when it was all over!


THINGS KANNON DOES / HAS RECENTLY DONE:
- One day while cleaning in the kitchen, he suddenly stopped tugging at my leg. A few seconds later, I heard him "ROAR". I looked down and he was sitting grabbing the front of his diaper (which had a tiger on it) and roaring.

-The other day while eating dinner, he looked at Glenn and said "oh" with the saddest expression. He held it for a few seconds, then laughed. I really hope we don't have another actor here!

- Glenn had a friend come visit recently and it was the first time I realized we may have a bit of only child syndrome on our hands. He wanted to be the center of attention the whole time. He would climb onto our guest's lap when we weren't paying attention to him!

- Kannon loves to play in the hallway. He will run and laugh hysterically if you run after him. I'm so thankful that we have such nice neighbors

- Kannon is loving the water features at the city parks. He has boundless energy!

-The other day, I was cleaning up some toys on the floor and he grabbed my hand and said, "don't"

-Kannon likes to "help" in the kitchen. By help, I mean go through the fridge, play with the dishwasher, etc. He also loves to "sort" the laundry.

WORDS KANNON SAYS
Hi
Help
Mama
Dada
Clock
Hallway
Tick tock
Head
Linny,Tuck, Ming Ming (the wonder pets)
Sit Down
No
Stop
Don't
Out
Naughty (can you guess where he learned these last few words?)
Down
Sad
Happy
Hello
Who is this (when playing with the phone)
Hot
Coffee
Taxi
Car
Read (sounds more like wenye, but he means read!)
Pat (as in pat, pat, pat from Little Einsteins)
Red
Elmo
Close(d)
Swing
Slide
Whee! (as in whee, I'm on the swing)
Shoe
Sock
Please
Thank you
On
Off
Hole


- I know I'm missing a bunch here, so I'll come back and edit this later.

Letters Kannon Says and can Identify:
A, B, C, L, O, Q, X, Y

Numbers Kannon Says and can Identify:
3,4,5,6,8 (the numerical sequence in our elevator is L, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I cherish every day I am blessed to spend with this little guy. He brings me more joy than I ever could have imagined! (He also makes me lose sleep more than I could have imagined, but it is all worth it)

Stitches

We had our first really bad accident last Friday night. The day had been wonderful. Just before dinner, Glenn arrived home with a box full of belated birthday and Christmas presents from Aunt Kelly & co. He was thoroughly enjoying every minute of opening the packages. He had his bath and was watching Little Einsteins. I left the room to get his bottle and said to Glenn, "Can you please watch him for a minute?" "Sure," he replied. Well, not more than 2 minutes later, I hear Kannon cry and Glenn say "Oh my God, OH MY GOD,!" I turned the corner and saw Kannon, in Glenn's arms bleeding profusely from the face. Glenn turned his back for a minute to get on the computer (which I have told him a THOUSAND times NOT TO DO!) and apparently Kannon grabbed our dog, Lucy and she bit him.

It was pretty bad. He had 1 puncture wound above the lip and the other started next to it and tore down through his lip. We took him to the ER and, fortunately, were sent to the "fast track". "Fast Track" is a relative term, however. We arrived around 8:30 and did not see a doctor until around 10:30.

She decided that it would be best to call in a plastic surgeon to do the stitches. Because the bite ripped through the vermilion border (his lip line) if it was stitched carelessly, his lips could have been permanently misaligned. We had to wait for the doctor for about an hour. When he finally showed up, we quickly realized that he was worth the wait. He even brought his iphone preloaded with "Yo Gabba Gabba"! We tried to distract Kannon, but it was hopeless. He fought like crazy. All in all, he ended up with 5 stitches. It broke my heart.

He had his follow up with his plastic surgeon on Wednesday. Note to Kannon - maybe you should be a plastic surgeon! Then, you could have a beautiful office on Park Ave & 70th street where you could offer cappuccinos to your patients, too! The doctor said that it will likely be a permanent scar, but it is healing well. We can call him in 3-6 months if it still looks really bad.

Ironically, Kannon is more interested in Lucy than ever! He goes after her constantly and fearlessly. I guess he hasn't learned his lesson, but I have and I really hope Glenn has!

Rejuvenated

Today, I feel as though my soul has been rejuvenated. I hate this time of year. I hated it before losing Dashiell. The days are generally cold and gray. There are no holidays to look forward to. It just seems to drag until Spring nears and the daylight lasts longer. Having lost Dash on Christmas day gave me a whole new reason to detest this time of year. I returned to work 8 days after giving birth to him. In retrospect, I realize how stupid that was. When I think of this time of year, it brings me back to sitting at my desk alone at American Express crying all day long. Last year, although much better, was still really rough. I found out that I was losing my job on 1/14. Kannon was in the ER on 2/2 and my back deteriorated beyond the point of no return on that same day.

That said, I feel like today is the first day of Spring. Why, you ask? Because yesterday, for the first time since August 2008, I had a date with Glenn! To make it even better, the date consisted of a wonderful Broadway show (Ragtime) and dinner at an Italian restaurant. The show was fantastic. Ironically, Glenn and I saw the original Ragtime almost 12 years ago to the day, on 12/31/97. It brought me back to that time, which to be honest, did make me a little sad. I was an actress auditioning full force back then. Now, I'm the right age for my type and I can't help but to wonder what my life would have been like had I trudged through and stuck with it. On the flip side, I most likely would not have Kannon or Dash.

The show resonated with me in an whole new way now that I am a mother. I heard so many of the lyrics, which I've heard a million times, in a new way. The subject matter is particularly relevant now, given the economic meltdown, Obama as president, etc. It reminds me how far we have come, but how far we still have to go.

At any rate, I thoroughly enjoyed the show and sitting in a dark theater holding Glenn's hand. On the way home, we called to see how Kannon was and my dear friend, who was watching Kannon, suggested that we go out to dinner. At that moment, the heavens opened up and I heard angelic music. Really? Dinner at a restaurant with my husband? Can this be happening? We enjoyed ourselves immensely. When we got home, Kannon was sleeping. Of course, he woke up several times in the night with the teething and all, but I really didn't care. Yesterday was a fantastic day. Thank you, Taifa & Paul for the best present ever!!!

Hello 2010!

I have said goodbye to 2009 happily, but with mixed emotions. Many awful things happened last year, but I also had the opportunity to see my little guy grow up during his first year.

Bad memories:

• Losing my job
• Having back surgery and the looong recovery
• Living through a colicky baby while not being able to walk and trying to apply for jobs
• Not knowing when and if I' ever be employed again

Good memories (which far outweigh the bad):

• Getting to stay home with Kannon until he was just over 10 months old. (if only I could win the lottery and stay home with him permanently)
• Having my surgery done by an amazing surgeon at an amazing hospital
• Getting not one, but two job offers and ending up exactly where I should be
• A much closer relationship with my in-laws, especially after my father in law came out from Vegas not once, but twice to stay with us and help out during my recovery
• Having my entire family (almost) together to celebrate my niece's birthday
• Watching Kannon take his first steps, smile for the first time, learn to wave bye bye, watch him during his first "real" Christmas, experience his first birthday with him, watching him experience the zoo, the aquarium, sitting on Santa's lap, Toys R Us in Times Square, the swings, the park, etc.
• Glenn getting an agent - finally!
• Watching Glenn be the most amazing and engaged father ever
• A stronger, deeper relationship with Glenn

I'm looking forward to a fantastic 2010. Let's get this party started!