Saturday, July 17, 2010
I guess I'm in one of those down phases at the moment. I'm so thankful to have Kannon. He brings me more joy than I ever could have imagined. Over the past few days, I've been feeling Dash's loss more than I usually do.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Dash, but normally, the sadness does not overtake me. I've just been missing him terribly.
This past week, friend of a friend lost her only child 1 day after her first birthday. Seeing that beautiful baby's final photo brought me back to that awful day. I would never equate my loss to hers. That child struggled with a rare brain cancer from her second week of life. I can only imagine how much more difficult that is, but I certainly know what it is to lose a child.
When I was in Florida in March, my sister told me that she didn't feel that I had grieved properly. Although I realize that her concern comes from a place of love, it made me incredibly angry. As any angel mom will tell you, you just can't understand unless you've been through it yourself. It is a pain that I would never wish on anyone. Glenn also commented on how seeing the photo I mentioned earlier was painful for him.
I had a very vivid dream last night and my mother and I had a long talk. In the dream, she had drawn a rainbow perfectly on a piece of paper. She was legally blind, so I was amazed that she had been able to execute the drawing so meticulously. I have no doubt that it was her way of comforting me and letting me know that Dashiell is with her and he is ok.
The photo above was taken by a woman in Australia who also lost her son. She takes name requests and photographs their names in the sand for bereaved parents. ( towritetheirnamesinthesand.blogspot.com )It took me a very long time to get my request through, but I finally did this past March. I used to call Dashiell "my light". I feel as though he was right there, shining in the sky right above his name.
I love you, my light.