Sunday, December 20, 2009

Where I am right now

Lately, I've been extremely emotional and missing my mom and Dashiell more than I can say. My mother was truly the ultimate mom - the gold standard by which all others should be measured.

At Christmas - well she WAS Christmas. When my sisters and I were little, every December 1, we would get a visit from Winklie and Pinklie. They were two of Santa's elves who would bring us an advent calendar. They couldn't spell at all and their notes always looked strangely similar to my mom's handwriting. They would look in on us periodically and always left us Christmas pjs on Christmas Eve.

On December 1, 1998, they came again and left us a fabric advent calendar to be reused year after year. Little did my mom know, but she had ordered the calendar before her diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. It was the last Christmas she was alive. Today, the calendar is hanging on my wall, with the note tucked inside.

When I think of how much my mom would have loved to be a grandma, my heart breaks. About a month before she died, after they decided to stop treatments, I went home and had the opportunity to say everything I wanted to. I remember crying and telling her how I was sad that she would not be here for my wedding and to see my children. She said, "Well, first of all, I will be there, you just won't be able to see me, but I'll always be with you. Second of all, I'll get to meet your children before you do." I have held onto that every day since she uttered those words.

The day after Dashiell died, I went to my uncle's house after being released from the hopsital in Orlando. My uncle is my only living relative from my mom's immediate family. He said, "Your mom got her first grandchild on Christmas Day." Now, when I think of how much I miss her and how much I miss Dashiell, I also think that he must be having the greatest Christmas of any of the grandkids, because he is with her. I am not particularly religious. My mother, on the other hand, was a devout Catholic. Some ideas from my Catholic uprbinging stay with me and I can't let go of them. One idea I have to hold onto is the thought that Dash and my mom are together in heaven. I still pray everyday that they stay close until I can be with both of them again. I picture her holding him and spoiling him rotten.

Two years ago today, Glenn and I went to St Luke's Roosevelt to take the hospital tour. I was so happy that day. Little did I know that my world would be turned upside down 5 days later.

I'm so thankful for my fellow angel moms. Most people in my life do not understand why I still grieve the loss of Dashiell. As much as I understand that they could never comprehend what losing a child is like, I can't help but get a little angry. Of course, I am so incredibly grateful to have Kannon and for all of the blessings in my life. That does not mean that I don't miss Dashiell. It does not mean that I don't think of him every day. It does not mean that I'll ever stop wondering what it would have been like if Dashiell had lived, or been born full term. It is possible to be thankful for your rainbow baby and grieve for your angel at the same time. If any of you angel moms are reading, thank you! Knowing that there are others that truly understand this idea is a great comfort to me and one more thing I am very thankful for.


Mom to 2 boys +? said...

Allison, I'm in tears after reading that! Your mom sounds like such a wonderful woman and I'm so glad that Dash is in such good hands. It's so touching how much she loved Christmas and how she got Dash on Christmas. I know this time of year will never be the same for you again, but I hope that as Kannon grows, so will your joy and happiness. You are in my thoughts especially this week!

Marissa said...

Tears here too!Big christmas HUG from me to you! I loved hearing that Dash is with your mom - sometimes those are the only things that makes it bearable...and yes we are still grieving - there will always be someone missing in our lives.