Thursday, December 24, 2009

Mixed Emotions

Oh God, I have such a love-hate relationship with Christmas since that fateful day back in 2007. Two years ago today, just before boarding a flight to Orlando, I felt my precious Dashiell move for the last time. When we got to FL, I was feeling funny, just not quite right. Nevertheless, I had such a great day with my niece, Macy. She was so sweet. She got out one of her dad's cookbooks and read a "story" to my belly. She pulled up my shirt when she was done, kissed my belly, and said, "I love you, baby cousin." I was so excited.

The next morning, we opened presents, which essentially amounted to a mini-baby shower. We are currently using some of the gifts we received that day. About 1 hour after that, we headed to the hospital and my world changed forever.

Today, I am alternating between excitement to see Kannon tomorrow and depression of missing Dashiell, wondering how my life would be different. Of course, I realize that this is not productive, but as any angel mom would tell you, it is unavoidable.

At the moment, Kannon is napping. I am sitting on my couch typing and looking up at Dashiell's memory box and the urn that contains his ashes. I am so thankful for both of my babies. They have both brought me so much joy and the gift of a mother's deep love.

I know that tomorrow will be difficult, but I also know that there will be many moments of joy as I watch Kannon. I'm sure that my thoughts of Dashiell will be at the forefront of my mind, as well. There is never a good time to lose a child, but it is especially difficult to have such a joyous day juxtaposed with the worst day of my life.

Dashiell, my angel, I miss you more than I can say. I know you are with us and I believe that Kannon sees you sometimes. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your grandma. I know that I will hold you again someday, but I am comforted knowing that you are with her until then. I will never forget you. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop missing you. You will always be my first baby, my precious gift, my angel.

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