Saturday, January 3, 2009

The dark side of the rainbow

I have debated for a few weeks about writing this post. I do not want this to be misconstrued. Let me preface this by saying that I feel incredibly blessed to have a healthy baby boy in my arms. I know that so many people struggle to have children and that we were extremely lucky to conceive our rainbow baby so quickly.

That said, the past few weeks have been extremely difficult. Kannon is not an easy baby. In fact, he is an incredibly difficult baby. Even his pediatrician says so. When he is not sleeping in my arms or feeding, he is screaming. He has colic. Living in a studio apartment with no escape would be bad enough, but on top of that, having major back problems, to the point of not really being able to walk well only compounds my frustration.

As the mother of an angel, I spent so much time envisioning peaceful times with my newborn. I thought life would be idyllic. Little did I know the hell that sleep deprivation causes. I now understand why that is a method of torture. When Kannon is screaming and I'm feeling as if this child hates me, I can't help but to imagine what life would have been like with Dashiell. I logically realize that this is incredibly unfair, but I can't help it. Dashiell will always be the perfect child. Of course, this is unfair to Kannon, not to mention that Dashiell could very well have been a tough baby, too. Missing Dashiell so much makes me feel guilty, which just compounds all of these feelings even more. Perhaps if Kannon was a girl, I may feel differently, but I doubt it.

I know this too shall pass, but I had to write this, should another angel mom be reading this and feeling the same kind of guilt I am.

On top of all of this, I just learned that I will be laid off from my job. Great timing! I pray that the darkness of this winter lifts soon. I pray that I will grow out of this feeling that Dashiell should be here and that I can bond more with Kannon. I love both of them more than I can express in words, but I just can't help wondering what life would be like had Dashiell lived and been born in April.

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