Monday, September 1, 2008

Deja Vu

This is it. I'm 24 weeks, 2 days today. Tick tock....

I'm feeling very positive about this pregnancy, but even still, my positive thoughts are overwritten by my own fears of the looming loss point in my last pregnancy - 24 weeks, 5 days.

This past weekend, I had a cold/flu thing. It was eerily similar to the cold/flu thing that I got at the exact same point last time. Glenn asked me if I wanted to go to the movies on Sunday and I nearly bit his head off. I wasn't feeling well at all. I just wanted to rest. Last time, I pushed myself to go to a movie and look at what happened. Rationally, I know that going to a movie was not the reason that I lost Dashiell, but everything I'm trying to avoid doing everything now that I did then.

Today, we were walking out of Best Buy & Glenn wanted to go into Baby Depot across the street. The only other time I have been in the baby depot was at 24 weeks, 2 days. I decided to let rational thought take over and just walk into the store. Still, all I could focus on was the last time I was there.

I'm starting to resemble cousin it. My hair is growing like a weed, but I've been really nervous to get my hair cut. I had a hair appointment in December for 24 weeks, 3 days, but I cancelled it. Again, I know it's not rational, but I do wonder, what if I had gone and gotten my hair cut? Would Dashiell be alive? I've also not gone because I just don't want too many people to know that I'm pregnant again. Now, I'll have to go in the next couple of weeks. I do work in a professional setting and really need to keep up my appearance, but I'm waiting as long as I can.

As I sit here writing, this baby is kicking away, as if to say, "I'm not Dashiell! I will be ok!" I just wonder if after a loss you can ever truly believe in a happy outcome. I have so much to be thankful for and so many positives to focus on. This baby moves so much more than Dash ever did. Glenn has felt the baby move. This baby does not have NAIT or any genetic issues. I'm in better care. I appreciate every single kick and moment I share with this baby. Still, the fear lingers. I truly hope I'll be able to trust more once Friday comes and I see a baby moving and healthy in my ultrasound.

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