Monday, August 25, 2008

Missing Dashiell - 8 months later

I've been in a funk all day today - really since yesterday. 8 months ago today was the worst and best day of my life. 8 months ago today, for a few precious hours, I got to see and hold my precious Dashiell Tate. Unfortunately, that was the only time I got to hold him.

I can't describe the mixed emotions of giving birth to a dead child. To be in labor while discussing funeral arrangements and autopsies is horrific and surreal. Even so, the moment that I got to meet my son was happy, in a way. I got to see and hold the precious life that was living inside of me and it was miraculous. At the same time, it was the single most upsetting and sad thing that I have ever experienced.

Now, 8 months later and 23 weeks, 2 days pregnant with Dashiell's younger sibling, it's so hard to believe how much my life has changed. Truly, my love for this little one has really intensified my love for Dashiell, and therefore, intensified my grief, in a way.

I don't spend nearly as much time crying for Dash. I definitely have my moments, but they are not as prolonged as they were immediately following the loss. Nevertheless, I still have those moments. They seem to be increasing in frequency. Perhaps it's because I'm approaching the point in this pregnancy when I lost Dashiell, or maybe it's the 8 month anniversary.

I'm intensely bothered by people who refer to this baby I'm carrying now as my first child. My first child is Dashiell. He just happened to die before I gave birth to him. His life mattered. He changed me forever and he will always be my first born; my son.

I wish I would see him in my dreams more. I had one dream shortly after losing him where he opened his eyes. I saw these beautiful, peaceful, clear blue eyes staring back at me. I had been haunted by the fact that his eyes were fused shut when he was born. Had he lasted just 1 more week, his eyes would have been opened. I knew when I woke up that he was ok. Even still, I would give anything to hold him again in my dreams.

I miss you my little Dash, my sleepy man. Please come visit your mommy soon. I hope you're happy with Grandma and playing with all of the other angel babies. I know you're with me, but I miss you and love you more than words can say.