Friday, July 18, 2008

Still Waiting...

Here we are, 1 week and 2 days after the amnio. It feels like a lifetime. We're still waiting for results, but I did get a little information yesterday. Megan, Dr. JB's assistant called the Blood Center of Wisconsin. They told her that my results should be ready by Tuesday. These are the results that will tell us whether or not this baby has NAIT. I'm praying that the baby does not, but if s/he does, I want to start treatment immediately.

I can't believe how much my life has changed over the course of one year. One year ago today, I wasn't even thinking about having a baby. Little did I know that I would conceive a child, lose a child and conceive another by one year later. I found out that I was pregnant with Dashiell on August 4, 2007. One week from today will mark 7 months since I lost him.

I think of my precious Dashiell every day. I picture him in heaven, being spoiled rotten by my mom and playing with all of the other angel babies. I know he is a part of this baby and it's comforting to know that this baby has such a wonderful guardian angel.

Since finding out last August that I would be a mother, it's hard for me to remember a time not so long ago that motherhood was the farthest thing from my mind. Over the past year, I've become very attached to my new role and it has changed me profoundly. I may not have a living child in my arms, but I am a mother. When people ask me if I have children, I answer, "Yes, I have a child, but he died." I want people to know. I now understand depths of love that a mother feels for her child.

Now, no matter what happens, I have two children. I pray that this one will be my earth baby that I can hold and watch grow. I'm still very scared of losing this baby and I probably will be even after this one is born. I'll feel much better once we have the amnio results back, but even then, I know all to well how many women lose their babies at term.

I really envy anyone who can have a carefree pregnancy. It's something that I have never had and never will. I wonder what it would be like to have my biggest worry be what stroller to buy, or what color to paint the nursery. On the flip side, I do realize how precious each and every day is with this baby. I thank God every day for the time I have already had.

This baby started to make itself known to me last week. This past Monday I got an actual jab! Of course, it is still too early to feel any kind of regular movement, but it's nice that to be reassured. It's as if s/he is telling me, "Hey, mom, I'm in here and I'm fine so stop worrying!" I'm so thankful for each day and each flutter. This baby is loved so much already. As much as I love this baby, I still miss my baby Dashiell. Although I am thankful, this baby will never be a replacement for him. He will always be my first child, my Christmas angel, my precious Dash.

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