Tuesday, July 29, 2008

A leap of faith

Shopping for maternity clothes should be a lot of fun. I remember last time how happy I was when I finally had to break them out. This time, I've been avoiding it altogether. I had ordered some clothes online that arrived the day we found out about the elevated risk of Trisomy 13 & 18. Afraid, to jinx anything, I left them in the box until after the amnio results. Most of them have to go back, anyway, but I didn't want to do anything until I knew what was going on.

Finally, on Sunday, my friend Taifa and I went shopping for maternity clothes. I'm so glad she was with me, because I actually enjoyed the experience instead of panicking the whole time. She also found some great stuff for me!

We finally went to check out and the woman tells me how they'll send me free samples of this, free subscription to parent's magazine. NOOOOOOO!!! Please don't send me anything. I can't bear the thought of having to cancel anything again. It's too much. Thankfully, with Taifa's encouragement, I was able to relax a bit and say yes. I just wonder if I'll ever feel comfortable with this pregnancy.

I'm afraid that the minute I start to relax, I'll get knocked down with some big blow. The magical thinking ("if I don't buy maternity clothes, then everything will be fine. " "if I don't subscribe to any magazines, then everything will be ok.") has to stop sometime, right? My therapist tells me to just ask myself, "what's your proof" Even though I know the answer is "there is none", my mind says, "because that's what happened last time". I can only hope that after I get past that 24 week 5 day point, that things will start looking up and maybe I will be able to trust a little more.

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