Sunday, April 27, 2008

Too Much Information!

It has been 1 week since my last entry. The time is really dragging by. I wish I could just fast forward to late November when I'll be holding a healthy, living baby in my arms! This week was a very stressful week at work. On the bright side, I had less time than usual to worry about everything that could possibly be going wrong.

This past Monday, I had a momentary panic. I was feeling a pain in my lower right side. I had been having the same kind of pain there well before I got pregnant. Even so, I became panicked that this was an ectopic pregnancy. I called my ob and was told to come in for an ultrasound to rule an ectopic out. Lying on the table waiting for the ultrasound tech to come in brought memories of the day I lost Dashiell rushing back. My heart was racing, I was sweating, deep breathing and praying for everything to be ok. Everything was fine. There was no heartbeat, because it was too early, but the pregnancy is not ectopic. I also had another hcg draw. The doctor was very please with my hcg and progesterone.

Still, I continue to worry about what could be wrong. Could this be a molar pg? Could this baby be a downs baby? Could this be a blighted ovum? Ironically, I find solace in my dreams. Every time I dream of this baby, it's a happy, healthy child and I always wake up with the sense that everything will be ok. The problem is, I've learned too much about what can go wrong over the past 4 months. Constantly hearing different stories of loss has done a number on me. I'm really struggling with trying to be able to relax. I'm truly trying to cherish each day that I have been blessed with this baby. It's a much more positive spin, but I have to consciously remind myself of that. It was only 1 month ago when I was wondering if I'd ever get pregnant again at all!

My first prenatal appointment is on Monday, May 5. I'm hoping to see that beautiful heartbeat and that I will be able to relax a little more. I have a feeling that it will always be the next milestone before I can let go. At some point, I just have to trust and have faith that everything will be ok. It's a very hard thing for me to do, considering my whole belief system was turned upside down 4 months and 2 days ago. Nevertheless, I am going to try my best!

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