I was able to relax for a few days after passing the loss date, but then, slowly, the fear started to creep back in. I’m not sure why. Everything was looking good. It’s just difficult to not have part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess it’s mostly a self defense mechanism.
On Friday, at 26 weeks, 6 days, I had an appointment & growth ultrasound. The munchkin looks good & is measuring in the 44th percentile overall. “Perfect” in my doctors words! The ultrasound tech was so sweet. She gave me 2 3d pictures to take home. During the same appointment, I took (and passed) my gestational diabetes test – yeah!!!! One less thing to worry about. Being the paranoid being that I am, I’m continuing to test my urine at home everyday for glucose and protein. It can’t hurt and it makes me feel better!
When I got home, I told Glenn that I had a surprise for him & handed him the photos. His face lit up and he just stared and said, “Oh my God, we have a beautiful baby!” He then proceeded to talk to the baby and tell him or her how excited he was about the baby’s pending arrival and to “keep up the good work.” It’s the first time that I’ve seen Glenn get truly excited and the happiness overwhelm the fear. What a nice change!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Over the Hump
Yesterday was the 24w5d mark. It was surprisingly more peaceful than I had anticipated. Of course, it brought back vivid & painful memories of Christmas day. I know it affected Glenn, too. That night, in the middle of the night, he reached over and pulled me close. The next morning, I commented on how nice that was & he said, “I was trying to check on the baby. I was worried. I just had so many memories come back.”
I thought that passing that point would help me relax, but not so far. Perhaps with time, as we get closer, I’ll be able to breathe and trust that this pregnancy will really result in a healthy, living baby. I guess time will tell.
I had my “reassurance” ultrasound today. My cervix measured 3.5cm (which they said was good). The baby was head down with its back to my front again, so we didn’t get any pictures. They also didn’t measure, but everything looks good. My next ultrasound is on 9/19. I’ll also see Dr. G that day and have the Gestational Diabetes test that day.
Yesterday was difficult to be sure, but I’m so thankful that we are over the hump and that so far, things look good!
I thought that passing that point would help me relax, but not so far. Perhaps with time, as we get closer, I’ll be able to breathe and trust that this pregnancy will really result in a healthy, living baby. I guess time will tell.
I had my “reassurance” ultrasound today. My cervix measured 3.5cm (which they said was good). The baby was head down with its back to my front again, so we didn’t get any pictures. They also didn’t measure, but everything looks good. My next ultrasound is on 9/19. I’ll also see Dr. G that day and have the Gestational Diabetes test that day.
Yesterday was difficult to be sure, but I’m so thankful that we are over the hump and that so far, things look good!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Deja Vu
This is it. I'm 24 weeks, 2 days today. Tick tock....
I'm feeling very positive about this pregnancy, but even still, my positive thoughts are overwritten by my own fears of the looming loss point in my last pregnancy - 24 weeks, 5 days.
This past weekend, I had a cold/flu thing. It was eerily similar to the cold/flu thing that I got at the exact same point last time. Glenn asked me if I wanted to go to the movies on Sunday and I nearly bit his head off. I wasn't feeling well at all. I just wanted to rest. Last time, I pushed myself to go to a movie and look at what happened. Rationally, I know that going to a movie was not the reason that I lost Dashiell, but everything I'm trying to avoid doing everything now that I did then.
Today, we were walking out of Best Buy & Glenn wanted to go into Baby Depot across the street. The only other time I have been in the baby depot was at 24 weeks, 2 days. I decided to let rational thought take over and just walk into the store. Still, all I could focus on was the last time I was there.
I'm starting to resemble cousin it. My hair is growing like a weed, but I've been really nervous to get my hair cut. I had a hair appointment in December for 24 weeks, 3 days, but I cancelled it. Again, I know it's not rational, but I do wonder, what if I had gone and gotten my hair cut? Would Dashiell be alive? I've also not gone because I just don't want too many people to know that I'm pregnant again. Now, I'll have to go in the next couple of weeks. I do work in a professional setting and really need to keep up my appearance, but I'm waiting as long as I can.
As I sit here writing, this baby is kicking away, as if to say, "I'm not Dashiell! I will be ok!" I just wonder if after a loss you can ever truly believe in a happy outcome. I have so much to be thankful for and so many positives to focus on. This baby moves so much more than Dash ever did. Glenn has felt the baby move. This baby does not have NAIT or any genetic issues. I'm in better care. I appreciate every single kick and moment I share with this baby. Still, the fear lingers. I truly hope I'll be able to trust more once Friday comes and I see a baby moving and healthy in my ultrasound.
I'm feeling very positive about this pregnancy, but even still, my positive thoughts are overwritten by my own fears of the looming loss point in my last pregnancy - 24 weeks, 5 days.
This past weekend, I had a cold/flu thing. It was eerily similar to the cold/flu thing that I got at the exact same point last time. Glenn asked me if I wanted to go to the movies on Sunday and I nearly bit his head off. I wasn't feeling well at all. I just wanted to rest. Last time, I pushed myself to go to a movie and look at what happened. Rationally, I know that going to a movie was not the reason that I lost Dashiell, but everything I'm trying to avoid doing everything now that I did then.
Today, we were walking out of Best Buy & Glenn wanted to go into Baby Depot across the street. The only other time I have been in the baby depot was at 24 weeks, 2 days. I decided to let rational thought take over and just walk into the store. Still, all I could focus on was the last time I was there.
I'm starting to resemble cousin it. My hair is growing like a weed, but I've been really nervous to get my hair cut. I had a hair appointment in December for 24 weeks, 3 days, but I cancelled it. Again, I know it's not rational, but I do wonder, what if I had gone and gotten my hair cut? Would Dashiell be alive? I've also not gone because I just don't want too many people to know that I'm pregnant again. Now, I'll have to go in the next couple of weeks. I do work in a professional setting and really need to keep up my appearance, but I'm waiting as long as I can.
As I sit here writing, this baby is kicking away, as if to say, "I'm not Dashiell! I will be ok!" I just wonder if after a loss you can ever truly believe in a happy outcome. I have so much to be thankful for and so many positives to focus on. This baby moves so much more than Dash ever did. Glenn has felt the baby move. This baby does not have NAIT or any genetic issues. I'm in better care. I appreciate every single kick and moment I share with this baby. Still, the fear lingers. I truly hope I'll be able to trust more once Friday comes and I see a baby moving and healthy in my ultrasound.
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